Testing Times

The Chaos household won’t be going to the Olympics due to our spectacular lack of tickets.  HWSNBN managed to get tickets for the cycling test event, but to misquote Cool Runnings, which I am embarrassed to admit is one of my all-time favourite films, “I am not feeling very Olympic right now.”

But this morning, I was very excited to find myself right in the thick of what must have been an Olympic test event.  I must admit that I missed the press announcement about the introduction of a new Olympic sport, but now that I know about it, I am very excited about Great Britain’s medal chances in Competitive Bad Driving.

The test event took place at various venues across south London and really was a fantastic showcase of British Bad Driving at its spectacular best.

The men’s event showed that there is real depth of talent, particularly in the Mid-Size Mini-Cab category.  There was a dazzling performance from Silver Volvo Man who made good use of the wrong side of the road to drive to the front of a row of queuing traffic.  There was a slightly tricky moment when the front car in the queue was a little sharper of the lights than SVM had expected, but he quickly rallied with a foot-to-the-floor manoeuvre which saw him hurtling back into the lead. 

There were also strong performances in this category from Audi-Man, who scored well in the pull-out-in-front-of-oncoming-traffic event, while People-Carrier Man showed real promise in the turning-left-from-the-righthand-lane event.

In the Open Men’s Smaller Vehicle category, Wanky Sportscar Man had an unexpectedly good run in Drifting-Across-Lanes, pulling off a particularly tricky back-and-forth manoeuvre on a sharp bend for maximum collateral carnage.  Cheaper Sportscar Man had a disappointing result in Failing-To-Drive-Through-A-Green-Light, after he revved away just fractionally too quickly to prevent the car behind him from making it through before the lights changed.  He did rally with some good, strong Accelerating-Pointedly-Away-Into-Oncoming-Traffic, but that slip at the traffic lights must surely have lost him his chance at a place in the team for the Olympics.

The Learner Drivers were also well-represented.  Floppy-Haired Student Type is certainly one to watch after his almost perfect Slow-Speed-Emergency-Stop right on the apex of a left turn.

However, despite the undoubted strength of the contenders for the men’s team, it was the women who really carried the day at this test event.  Arguably the star of the show was Four-Wheel-Drive-Woman, vying for a place in the highly competitive Unfeasibly Large Car category.  FWDW blew the opposition away with a u-turn from the left-hand lane of a dual carriageway.  The nearest of near misses ensured that she walked away with the honours in this category, which must have come as a great disappointment to Big Shiny People Carrier Mum who put in a good, solid performance which would, in a less competitive event, surely have seen her walk away with the honours.  Her Drive-Really-Really-Slowly-And-Occasionally-Stop-For-No-Apparent-Reason could not be faulted, and if she lost a couple of points in the Completely-Blocking-The-Carpark-While-Dithering-Wetly event by allowing another car to slip by into a parking place, she certainly made up for it in the Entirely-Failing-To-Get-In-The-Parking-Space event.  The moment when she realised she had managed to block herself into the car by wedging herself against a pillar was a real highlight of the whole test event.

Credit must also be given to Crap Little Car Woman who managed a very creditable Four-Lane-Swerve on the notorious Wandsworth one-way system, one of the most exciting of the Olympic venues for this sport, starting off in the left of the four lanes on this stretch of road, crossing sharply in front of a bus and a lorry and arriving in the right hand lane just short of the lane closed sign, and performing a really special reverse-swerve back into the next lane.  A little bit of oversteer at this point cost her a few points, but still a good result for a relative newcomer to this sport.

In the team category, the Fulham School-Run Mums team gave a beautifully orchestrated demonstration of Bringing-The-Whole-Of-South-London to a halt with some really quality Double-Parking and Not-Knowing-How-Wide-Your-Car-Is.  Their Putney-based rivals, the Daft-Uniform School Mums team did not perform quite so strongly, although their Pulling-Out-In-Front-Of-People-And-Then-Doing-A-Half-Hearted-Indication did show some promise, and they gained some valuable presentation points for their confident mastery of the Looking-Indignant-While-Doing-Something-Stupid-As-Though-It-Is-Someone-Else’s-Fault expressions.

In the Cycling category the plaudits must go to Proper Pillock who was head and shoulders above his opposition in the Cycling-Really-Slowly-In-The-Middle-Of-The-Lane-While-Fiddling-With-Helmet event, and White Van Man gave a strong performance in the Commercial Vehicle category with his Going-All-The-Way-Round-The-Roundabout-In-The-Left-Hand-Lane.

All in all, British Bad Driving has surely never been in better shape.  If this continues then our Bad Drivers must be heading for great things this summer.  Watch out for them on our roads!